Who is Mr. Right ?
Some “just know” they’ve found the right person. Others walk down the aisle with profound doubts. But either way, everyone’s rolling the same dice.
I think I’m more of a loner, but still dependent on my surroundings… More authoritative and at the same time want to be single.. but still at times i’ve wondered about Mr. Right…
How will i know if he’s the one? How can i tell at all? How can one be so sure that the man, who i decide to marry, will be the person who i am going to spend “the rest of your life” with?
The thing is, no one will ever know. A lot people say that you just have to trust your gut feelings. Huh! My gut feeling, what the hell is that? My instinct? My six senses? Nah, none of this can tell me if the decision i’ve made is the right one. Once i’ve made the decision to walk down the aisle with that man, i m already taking a risk, likewise… both parties are.
The thing is that everything changes in our lives and our world. People change, the environment changes, and of course the person you thought you knew would also change, that’s perfectly normal. I had been with a guy for 8 years, after 2 years of dating, I honestly thought that he was the one for me, my “gut feeling” told me that. And guess what? Things changed. Lets not get into reasons. I was heart broken and mad at myself at first but after a while, the feelings of anger, sadness and hatred just faded away, and I forgave him and myself.
Looking back at that, could I blame him for his “changed” interest in me? or could i blame myself for the “changed” interest in him? No. The environment we were in changed (different from when we initially met). He changed, and started working after finishing his tertiary studies and then settling into business. I changed – I concentrated more on my career than “our relationship”. So, our feelings inevitably changed. This is speaking from my own experiences.
I’ve also seen people who dated just like us and dated long years and broke off. Most of the times were due to changes. My question is: Can you really love the same person, with the same intensity as the initial years of your relationship, after say, 5 years or 10 years? Married couples, yeah both parties made the decision to move from just boy/girl friends to husband & wife. Then the children came and all, so now, both of them have the responsibilities to take care of the family and bring up the kids. Throughout the years, they’ve forgotten to ask themselves about their feelings towards each other, until one day, something would hit them and they realized that something’s missing. The intensity of love, passion and attraction were different. (I’m not saying all married couples are or would be like that.). Some even got married because a baby is coming along the way but are they really ready to take up the journey of marriage?
I know I may sound a little negative about relationships and marriage. But don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against it. What I am trying to say is, once you’ve decided to be with someone, you have to know that things will change for better or worse. Being in a relationship is not just about all those dating, movies, eating and sharing. Yes, love, passion, attraction and care have to be there. On top of that, one of the most important things is how you adapt to change. Environment will always change; you can’t be at the same situation forever. Once that happens, can both parties adapt to the change with the same frequency or “wave line”?
We grow through time. Sometimes couples grow old together, through good times and bad times, for richer and poorer. Other times, the priorities in life change and hence couples grow apart for reasons such as job relocation, going abroad to further studies / career, family or just for the reason of being alone and lost interest. When such incidents occur, do we have the strength to reach deep inside our heart, to search for the courage we need, in order to let the person we so deeply loved go and pursue his or her dreams?
A couple of factors i see are fewer unhappy couples among those who get married later in life, specifically after 35. This is largely because they’re making the decision to marry with more life experience under their belts. They’re also committing to a fully formed person.
Next comes personality. I’ve observed that opposites who complement each other often do very well. If you marry someone who’s too similar – especially emotionally – you may wind up bored or in conflict.
Finally, i think trying not to be judgmental right out of the gate.. especially on checklists founded on external, and not internal, traits. Why eliminate a potentially terrific guy or a sexy girl just because he or she is a few inches shorter / taller / fat / thin than you’d ideally prefer? As a general rule, rigidity never pays.
Sometimes a marriage can be stronger if you have reservations. If your bond seems a little fragile, you take better care to preserve it.
How about committing to someone for life or only a year ? I think it’s cool to be able to renew your vows annually so each year you are just taking one step at a time to learn to be able to commit yourself to a person for just that “agreed” amount of time.
The irony is not lost on me that my greatest fear – committing to someone forever – is still my focus. I would rather be saying “i do” for that stipulated amount of time and renew the vows each year.
13 Responses
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I think you can still write… I know you have ur own opinions and views on the same thing. Maybe when time permits………
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[...] : Meghana What : Who is Mr. Right? Spicy : Most of the women at some point in their life may get this question in their mind [...]
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There isn’t a Mr.Right or Miss Right…there s just a Mr/Ms. workable and one has to work hard to make it as close to Mr.Right or Ms. Right as possible.
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You are very much sorted with regarded to marriage.
The truth is nothing stays constant. If the other person does not change you might.
I guess one needs to take a chance. Sometimes the Mr. Right needs to be accepted with little imperfections too.
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I don’t deny that…
Infact i was a strong believer of this quote which goes like – Keeping love alive involves a lot of hardwork, nurturing and sacrifice, understanding and nver taking each other for granted. It means not just finding a perfect person, but learning to love an imperfect person inspite of all the faults and blemishes.
It just sounds too rosy and cliched now.. as times have changed.. i have changed… he has changed.
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hi,
i could never figure it out when people say, “He’s the one”. i wonder how some people find their perfect one and others don’t. Luck, karma, destiny no clue.
I completely agree on you checklist point. Seriously, everything is in the external traits these days. Nobody cares about the grey matter or about being well read/spoken. Its all about the mnc you work for, the money you make, your favorite weekend hang out. Globalization makes everyone too cool for their own kind I reckon! Seriously, meeting anyone with such a checklist is plain ridiculous and pathetic. But that’s what everyone does. It’s a phenomenon. Off late, there is a monologue running in my head that marriage is over rated. No offense to anyone. I am completely for the institution of marriage but i think its importance and its core value is over rated in India.
You mite have a little laugh from this
http://tinamaryrajan.wordpress.com/2009/12/03/single-its-the-mingling-thats-troublesome/-
Hi Tina,
Your post was indeed hilarious !
I’ve those same thots as u shared…. Moreover i was Anti-Marriage or wanna be Single type for quite sometime now until off late…I am totally with you about Marriage being over rated in India….
We have become a shorcut society.
Wanna get a PR? Get married.
Wanna shut nosy parents and relatives up? Get married.
Want financial security? Get a husband.
Want a free maid? Get a wife.
Want a kid? Get married.
Oops, I’m gonna have a kid. Get married.
Suddenly doesn’t feel right? D I V O R C E
Perhaps the remote control and the toaster can be blamed.At times i’ve also pondered that if given a choice i would be with someone minus a marriage. The fact that either of us could leave the relationship at any time and don’t would say a whole lot. If he does find someone “better” it will probably be because the other person IS better…for him, or that we just outgrow each other. I don’t think its a stigma to not marry and still have a partner. I think its ones own preference. Also being alone isn’t the same as lonely. I would rather hang out with my amazing friends, some married and some not. As long as I have my friends and family I can never be alone !
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Hey that was excellent post, totally agreed. You can never change for anyone. People spend ages to hunt for the perfect blend and finally end up wid nothing.
Nice one.
Hi, Sid here.
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Good post.. I dated a girl for four years and got married to the same girl
But after marriage it has never been same like those four years. I agree that change comes both internally and externally. The entire key for a man to be a close to becoming the Mr. Right is less ego, patience & genuine care. In India marriage is mostly forced by parents and not only marriage but so are kids. You do kids just because your parents want it or most of your frnds already have kids.I am now going to search your blog archives
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Hey Ketan – Sorry to hear abt the changes that’ve come into ur life and i second those elements required to nurture the relationship ! Give it sometime, mebbe things may start blooming again !
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Thanks Maggi… I am not complaining and life has been good to me… I am happy since me and my wife changed but for good.. we now are more caring towards each others and there is less friction… so its not bad… but there are phases.. when we are down… one of us tries to cheer up the life… so it goes on and on… I am happily married with my share of ups and downs…
and it happens to everyone… just that some people cope with it and some do not…
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Agreed and Agreed…
I believe being in this day and time, we are more independent than our parents, or earlier generations. Being out of house, more adventurous about our career decisions has not only made us stronger to survive in society as singles but also made us get over the fear of being alone. There are many happy couples, but every one of them has wondered at least once their life, “I could have done *this* or *that*, had I been single”.
In the end I think this whole Mr. Right and Perfect Girl dilemma is highly overrated, and as you rightly said, it’s all about adapting to change.
I swear I wanted to write one about the same topic, but now… you didn’t leave anything for me to write.