My life is riddled with occasions that I did the “right” thing even though it may not have been what I really wanted to do. These are occasions where I may not have really known what I wanted to do so my actions were impulsive. Or times when I didn’t want to disappoint someone who was counting on me. Or times when I did what I thought would give me the most flexible or practical outcome, even if something else would have been so much more fun, fulfilling or interesting.

If something goes wrong and outcomes are bad, I generally blame myself for my indecisiveness or at times have someone else to blame for these decisions. And I often regret that I forfeited my own decision making power to someone else’ – Here that someone else is my mind.. It overpowers. At the very least, I kick myself in the ass for not being true to what I want. Who / What i listen to Heart ? Mind ? again the endless debate overshadows me…..

Sometimes I just make impulsive, some would say rash, decisions. Those passionate, emotional, little-thought-required decisions are generally the ones that I am the happiest with. In those cases, even when if I fall on my face, I get up and stand behind whatever decision I made. After all, I either got what I wanted or learned a huge lesson.

And damn it, it’s my life and I wanna do it………..

But you know what, the longer I think about it (big mistake) the easier it becomes to try to talk myself out of it. I’m like a cat, I *tend* to land on my feet. And details aren’t really my thing, they fall into place on their own.

When I truly know myself and allow me to be me, my purpose reveals. So where do my priorities fall ? What / Who / How should i weigh my options balancing everything…

Anyway, I’ve been asking myself a lot lately, “What the hell do I want?” And my whole heart says, “This.”

God please help me, I’m going to listen… as my Mind and Heart fail me terribly.